Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” [Luke 1:45]
I scarcely know where to start to describe the joy of my children. Becoming a mother has been simultaneously the most treacherous walk on slippery rocks – and the most beautifully freeing expansion of my soul. There are not enough emotions to express how I feel about the changes these three humans have had on my very DNA. Overwhelmingly I land on joy, if pressed for an answer. I have loved every moment of their existence, even on the very darkest and hardest days.
There’s something about a daughter that I wasn’t expecting, though.
Her softness has exfoliated my edges. Her laughter has brightened the darkest recesses of my psyche – the places where doom and anxiety have too long held residence. Her tiny, gentle hands have healed my deep misogynistic wounds. Her peace has given me strength to stand against things that once buckled me.
I’m not one to lean on the virtues of others for the sake of propping up our weaknesses. And yet, here we are. I am better for her being in my realm. We all seem to be held more tightly by those small arms than we knew we needed before she arrived.
Mothers don’t have favorites (usually), and neither do I. Each of my children bring gifts to my life that are different from each other. Hers has been a strength that I never expected to find in myself. I waited for her for twenty years, and had given up on her arrival. I felt somewhat like Sarah. I knew there was a girl child waiting for me somewhere. I could sense her. Frankly, we all had thought she would arrive much closer in time nearer to when her brothers were born. But Zuzu and God had other plans.
Nearing my fourth decade, we welcomed her to our world. Her siblings were a senior, and two years finished with high school, when was born. Her mid-life crisis cusper parents were living the rockstar artsy-fartsy life just a year earlier. No one saw this plot twist.
What an amazing thing to get to live this life all over again, at this age, through the eyes of a child!
This is a gift I couldn’t have dreamed of for myself.
So ask me what it’s like to be a geriatric parent. I’ll tell you, it’s pretty rad. And tiring. But mostly amazing.
Tag: family
Day 19 – 30 Days of Gratitude
November 19, 2020
I am exceedingly grateful for my family, and I feel more love around me now than I ever have in my life before. Recently, we have been focusing on paying more attention to each other. And that’s been pretty nice.
My husband’s “pass days” (weekend) are in the middle of the week. It can be weird but it also can be really nice. Life is usually quieter when we go out in it, as opposed to the clustering of people on actual weekends.
Recently, one of his “weekends” was filled with doctor appointments and running errands — both days! And it was nuts. Not to mention, we are getting ready for Thanksgiving and all the natural chaos that comes with planning a full menu, execution and logistics of pandemic rules.
One of the things we have missed most during the pandemic has been going out for the weekly shopping as a family. It was always so much fun to watch our baby interact with other shoppers. Watching her little face light up as strangers went out of their way to say hello to her, was absolutely priceless. Now, she barely makes it into a store at all. And if she gets to go, people avoid us — like they were avoiding getting, or giving, the plague. Terrible euphemism, but so unfortunately appropriate.
This week, we all — cautiously — went to do the shopping. The stores were busier than usual, and for a handful of minutes I allowed myself to forget.
That my mask existed…
That everyone else was just as worried about encroaching personal space, as being encroached…
That this may just be “normal” now, forever….
There is plenty to worry about, but so much more to be thankful for.
Day 16 – 30 Days of Gratitude
November 16, 2020
What family member are you grateful for today?
Mondays are a special day for us. Most people are starting their work week. We are ending ours. There is always a bit of a rushed feeling – tying up loose ends so that we can have the “weekend” fully “off” the clock. I don’t usually run errands on Mondays, but today we did out of necessity.
Today we broke with routine and bundled up to grab groceries and supplies. In our now-life, this is something of a legitimate trek. While we have a grocery store very conveniently in town, it is not the most budget friendly nor the widest selection. The closest shopping that can be done in as few stops as necessary, is a thirty minute drive away. And with a baby, it is definitely ideal to minimize the number of interactions with the buckling process. The less we have to fuss with the carseat, the happier we all are in the end.
Ultimately, I ended up having to make three stops. If you’re counting, that’s eight times of touching the carseat. And everytime she is removed from the carseat, she wants it to be the last time for that day. She never cares that we are 20 miles from home, nor does she understand that the quicker we leave, the quicker she gains freedom. If you have children, you probably know what I mean. If you don’t, imagine stuffing a cat into a carrier every 35 minutes for 3 hours.
Gracefully, she seemed to be feeling our shopping vibe and didn’t give me that much trouble. And all I had to do was bribe her with a fresh banana and some strawberries from the grocery. For that, I am exceedingly grateful for her, and for her company. My life would be pretty boring without her.
Day 15 – 30 Days of Gratitude
November 15, 2020
What kindness did someone show you today?
I’m going to have to pull the “confidentiality” card on this one. 🙂
Day 4 – 30 Days of Gratitude
November 4, 2020
What made you smile today?
Yesterday was Election Day in the U.S.A. and normally, there would be some results by Wednesday morning – or by the afternoon, at least! True to 2020 fashion, this is not the case this year. I have been bracing myself since 2016 for the results of last night’s voter turnout. I stayed up far too late to find out much too little in the way of information and the future of American politics.
So, I will offer a story.
Technically, this happened yesterday but thinking about it made me smile today, too. I took my youngest son to vote. It was his first time voting in any election, and he was nervous. We got through it, and he beamed when he showed me his “I Voted” sticker. My Mama-heart burst a little.
When I went to vote there were no stickers. But I did get to vote without any of the fear mongering scenarios going down, so I consider that a big win. We went home and sent my husband out to vote. When he returned he teased me about voting for “that other guy” (aka, lies!) and handed me a sticker with a wink.
This memory was nice one considering we had a stupid but cutting argument this morning. He left for appointments and errands, and I rage cleaned the house to distract my ADHD brain. When he finally got home in the early afternoon, he apologized and offered to take me to lunch on a “real date” without other humans. It was fun. I’ve missed my husband, and he has missed me. Babies are great, but at the end of the day you cannot live your life for them any more than you can live your life for a stranger.
Day 2 – #WIPtember 2020
DAY TWO – Introduce #wip
TW: death, loss, suicidal ideation, religious themes, mental health
My current WIP (work in progress) is the final book of an accidental trilogy. I thought it was going to be my #nano2020 project but I’m not sure I can hold off that long. It has been haunting me for about six months already.
So far all I have is that the Main Character is male, and we already met him in last year’s #nanowrimo project. He is on a journey of spiritual discovery after losing his family to a medical incident. This has put him into a tailspin of questioning and pleading with a God that may or may not actually still exist, for him. He feels that something is not right with his life and figures out by chance, that he has possibly ended his life and thrown himself into an alternate reality.
KH Sprague 